Archive for category Culture

Things That Make Me Uncomfortable, Vol. 1

Posted by Rob in Advertising, Culture, Humor, Lists, Media, Nonsense, TV on October 10, 2011

As a blogger, I believe in sharing. This may seem obvious, but I think that some bloggers hold back on personal details. Some are dedicated to specific topics and they rarely provide insight into their inner workings or personalities. Well, you’ll find no such reluctance here. I wear my heart on my sleeve (unless my shirt has stripes and it looks too busy), so I’m going to open up to you today and share a very special list that will help you better understand me.

I considered starting this program of “sharing” with a list of things that make me happy, but that seemed a little trite. Not “attention-grabbing” enough. So, I chose to begin this process with something negative. This will be (enemies take note)… a list of things that disturb me or really make me squirm.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you …

Things That Make Me Uncomfortable, Volume 1

1. This picture (and the ratings for this show) ….

Please, please don't reveal...

2. Smelly elevators – Whether it reeks of fried food, mold, body odor or (God forbid) human flatulence, this is an all-around nightmare scenario. The smell serves as an especially unpleasant reminder that you are temporarily trapped in a very small space and it also sets you up for public humiliation. Undoubtedly, when someone else boards the elevator (usually an attractive member of the opposite sex), they will mentally assign blame for the smell to you. It’s inevitable… You are there. The stink is there (and obviously fresh). In this person’s mind, you become one with the stink.

3. Any TV commercial that references “embarrassing odors”

4. Female friends/Wives of friends/Coworkers/Acquaintances who post pictures of themselves in swimwear on Facebook. Please stop this. I cannot click on these. Indeed, I cannot event glance at them. It’s akin to walking by a strip club on Bourbon Street with family – even once quick look and you feel like a filthy pervert. It would be unthinkable for me to “like” such a photo or comment on it. Would a husband, boyfriend or my wife buy it for a minute if I were to say “Wow, the beach sure looks amazing!” or “I would love to jump in that pool behind you”?

5. Old William Shatner

Need I say more?

6. Watching comedies I enjoy with anyone over the age of 55. This never goes well. I have nothing against older people, but they tend to be a bit befuddled by what I find amusing. I once watched Tosh.0 with my parents. This won’t happen again.

Not funny to retirees, "the Greatest Generation" or anyone who might vacation in Branson, MO.

7. Large men in tiny jogging shorts …

Even for fit people & Daniel Tosh, this is simply too much thigh.

8. Riding in a car with my father behind the wheel – I love my father dearly, but he has been retired for a few years now and has fully entered that “Screw it, I’ve earned this…” phase in which traffic laws are viewed as unsolicited advice. Stop lights can be run if no one is around and turn signals are simply silly, unnecessary automobile extras like tissue box holders.

9. My entire 2011 Fantasy Football roster.

10. This contest on the official CBS “Criminal Minds” website. Seriously … an “Ultimate Fan” contest for a show about deranged serial killers? Isn’t this just tempting some nut job out there to commit a heinous crime modeled after one seen on the show? This would certainly prove their devotion to the program, while also giving them a chance at fame by ultimately becoming a plotline on the show itself. You’re playing with fire, CBS.

The contestants so far... Place your bets!

11. Circus Peanuts (see this post for full details)

12. Dogs that Bark at Me When I Jog Past Early in My Run, But Stare Silently When I Pass Again on the Way Home – I’ve noticed a trend recently when I run and it troubles me. When I energetically bound past a fenced-in dog about a block from my home, he chases me from one side of the yard to the other, barking ferociously. However, when I am plodding past the same yard on my way back, I strain to hear over my pounding pulse and squint to see through the sweat pouring from my forehead, and there is nothing. Then, just as I’m about to pass, I notice the beast looking at me from the corner of the yard, a disinterested look (or maybe a look of pity?) on his face. There’s no reason to chase this prey. This prey is dying. It will soon be lying helplessly on the ground. They say dogs can “smell” cancer. Can they sense my impending coronary?

"You are dead to me ... No, seriously, you might be dying, so I'll eat you after my nap or something."

Advertising, Criminal Minds, dogs, Humor, jogging, Shatner, TV

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It’s my birthday, so Sue me

Posted by Rob in Culture, Food, Humor, New Orleans, TV on July 23, 2011

I don’t really know Sue Zemanick, but I celebrate my birthday at her place every year.

"Abandon all hope of not stuffing your face, ye who enter here"

For the past three years, my wife and I have celebrated my birthday at Gautreau’s in Uptown New Orleans, the well-hidden restaurant where Zemanick serves as Executive Chef. The place is so damn cozy (okay, small) that when we go there it feels as if we’re barging in on a private dinner party Zemanick is hosting at her home.

I’ve seen Zemanick there, but I’ve never actually spoken to her. She makes regular appearances in the dining room, chatting up guests while sporting a ‘Hornets teal’ chef’s jacket. I believe she stopped at our table once and asked about our meal, but my mouth was full of lovingly prepared rainbow trout at the time and my wife had to respond on our behalf.

My point is that, until recently, what I knew about Zemanick, I knew from the amazing dishes she prepares; dishes that stick with me long after I leave and that have prompted me to rave about Gautreau’s to everyone who has ever asked me where to eat in New Orleans. Dishes like, well, this…

I hope my last meal looks something like this (but with a side of cheese fries).

Delicious looking, no? Trust me, if you go to Gautreau’s, you should try whatever fish is on the menu that night (it changes regularly). You can’t go wrong. Here, let’s take another look…

I have a framed picture of this meal on my desk, next to photos of my wife and daughter.

So, if you’re getting the idea that I like Gautreau’s and that I’m a fan of Sue Zemanick, you are correct. In fact, when I have excellent meals at other restaurants, I refer to them as “Zemanick-ian” (it’s easier than “Gautreau’s-ish). That’s why I was tremendously fired up when I heard that Zemanick was going to compete on the spring 2011 edition of Bravo’s Top Chef Masters. When the show premiered in April, I put on my official, teal “Zemanick #1″ jersey and prepared to tune in.

Initially, I believed that Top Chef Masters would help shed a little light on just who Sue Zemanick was, but it didn’t. In fact, I believe ended up learning more about how reality TV works than anything else.

Outsize personalities rule the day in Reality TV and, I don’t believe that Zemanick was as wacky or “colorful” as some of the other contestants. Also, I have to believe, early episode editing of these shows provides more than a few hints about who will be making a season-long journey and who will be gone in a matter of weeks. From the word ‘go’, Zemanick seemed almost invisible. Sure, the roguishly-handsome-but-smarmy Aussie host (I don’t recall his name. He’s supposedly a good chef. Whatever…) occasionally acknowledged her (see photo below), but it wasn’t enough.

Don't trust Crocodile Douchedee, Sue. In the end, he'll take you down for a death roll at the bottom of the lake.

Sue was voted off in the second or third week in an episode that actually made me like Christina Hendricks a little less (for about 10 minutes anyway). I won’t go into the details. You can read all about it for yourself here or check out Sue’s “post-game” interview. What it meant was that I didn’t get to know Zemanick any better, nor did the rest of America. However, while it’s certainly a shame for America, I realized that this didn’t matter so much to me.

What I’ve learned about Zemanick is that she’s one of the best damn chefs in New Orleans and each year, her cooking helps me forget how old I’m getting. That’s the perfect birthday gift and all I really need to know.

Food, Gautreau's, Humor, New Orleans, Reality TV, Sue Zemanick, Uptown

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No More Clowning Around

Posted by Rob in Advertising, Childhood, Culture, Food, Humor, Parenting, TV on May 28, 2011

By now you’ve probably heard about the controversial push by doctors and public health leaders to get McDonald’s to retire Ronald McDonald and stop marketing to kids. Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about this issue and I must admit that I’m conflicted.

Who would want to do anything to hurt this somewhat creepy face?

On one hand, I understand the public health concern and don’t want to see our nation’s children drowning in frying grease, but I also remember Ronald as a part of my childhood. He holds a unique position in the pantheon of kiddie characters, in that he was not only amiable and entertaining, but accessible.

What do I mean by accessible? Allow me to explain… as a child, you always knew the “real” Mickey Mouse had big ears and a shiny new outfit and lived in Disney World. He was definitely not the dingy, small-eared version dancing around doing ‘jazz hands’ at the church carnival. And the “real” Batman — the one you watched on TV? He was probably in Hollywood, not appearing at the local car show. But Ronald McDonald was different. Every McDonald’s was just as “real” as the next. If you saw Ronald McDonald during a birthday party at McDonald’s, then it was THE Ronald McDonald. He may have looked or sounded slightly different than the one in TV commercials, but the one on TV didn’t always look the same from one commercial to the next anyway. Ronald was an aggressively friendly, ‘down to earth’ mascot for the masses.

But, if the times dictate that something must change, then something must change. However, I believe I have a compromise that will work for everyone. Instead of “killing off” Ronald McDonald and crushing those of us who have fond childhood memories of him (and of Grimace, Mayor McCheese and those French Fry Tribble things), I suggest a Ronald re-imagining. I propose a darker, morally complex Ronald. A clown that’s crying on the inside. A mascot that will alienate kids, but captivate adults and make the ladies swoon (while simultaneously making them crave a Filet-O-Fish).

I have two initial suggestions. These are just a beginning, but they should give you an idea of where I’m going…

“Ronald Re-imagined” Idea #1: Ronald McDraper
Scorned wives, mistresses and office backstabbers make for one Unhappy Meal when Ronald becomes a magnetic-but-troubled marketing exec for an up-and-coming fast food chain in the 1960s.

Booze, babes, and burgers…Who could ask for more?

“Ronald Re-imagined” Idea #2: Ronnie McDarko
Ronald as a strange, bunny-like creature that haunts the imagination of an unstable high school student who’s obsessed with Quarter Pounders, which, in turn, are the key to wormholes or time travel or some such nonsense.