Archive for category Nonsense
Hello, all! I know I’ve been away for a while, but things have been a little crazy lately (parenthood and whatnot). Nevertheless, I wanted you to know I’m thinking about you during this glorious holiday season! If you miss me, you can always find me here.
Things That Make Me Uncomfortable, Vol. 1
As a blogger, I believe in sharing. This may seem obvious, but I think that some bloggers hold back on personal details. Some are dedicated to specific topics and they rarely provide insight into their inner workings or personalities. Well, you’ll find no such reluctance here. I wear my heart on my sleeve (unless my shirt has stripes and it looks too busy), so I’m going to open up to you today and share a very special list that will help you better understand me.
I considered starting this program of “sharing” with a list of things that make me happy, but that seemed a little trite. Not “attention-grabbing” enough. So, I chose to begin this process with something negative. This will be (enemies take note)… a list of things that disturb me or really make me squirm.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you …
Things That Make Me Uncomfortable, Volume 1
1. This picture (and the ratings for this show) ….
Please, please don't reveal...
2. Smelly elevators – Whether it reeks of fried food, mold, body odor or (God forbid) human flatulence, this is an all-around nightmare scenario. The smell serves as an especially unpleasant reminder that you are temporarily trapped in a very small space and it also sets you up for public humiliation. Undoubtedly, when someone else boards the elevator (usually an attractive member of the opposite sex), they will mentally assign blame for the smell to you. It’s inevitable… You are there. The stink is there (and obviously fresh). In this person’s mind, you become one with the stink.
3. Any TV commercial that references “embarrassing odors”
4. Female friends/Wives of friends/Coworkers/Acquaintances who post pictures of themselves in swimwear on Facebook. Please stop this. I cannot click on these. Indeed, I cannot event glance at them. It’s akin to walking by a strip club on Bourbon Street with family – even once quick look and you feel like a filthy pervert. It would be unthinkable for me to “like” such a photo or comment on it. Would a husband, boyfriend or my wife buy it for a minute if I were to say “Wow, the beach sure looks amazing!” or “I would love to jump in that pool behind you”?
5. Old William Shatner
Need I say more?
6. Watching comedies I enjoy with anyone over the age of 55. This never goes well. I have nothing against older people, but they tend to be a bit befuddled by what I find amusing. I once watched Tosh.0 with my parents. This won’t happen again.
Not funny to retirees, "the Greatest Generation" or anyone who might vacation in Branson, MO.
7. Large men in tiny jogging shorts …
Even for fit people & Daniel Tosh, this is simply too much thigh.
8. Riding in a car with my father behind the wheel – I love my father dearly, but he has been retired for a few years now and has fully entered that “Screw it, I’ve earned this…” phase in which traffic laws are viewed as unsolicited advice. Stop lights can be run if no one is around and turn signals are simply silly, unnecessary automobile extras like tissue box holders.
9. My entire 2011 Fantasy Football roster.
10. This contest on the official CBS “Criminal Minds” website. Seriously … an “Ultimate Fan” contest for a show about deranged serial killers? Isn’t this just tempting some nut job out there to commit a heinous crime modeled after one seen on the show? This would certainly prove their devotion to the program, while also giving them a chance at fame by ultimately becoming a plotline on the show itself. You’re playing with fire, CBS.
The contestants so far... Place your bets!
11. Circus Peanuts (see this post for full details)
12. Dogs that Bark at Me When I Jog Past Early in My Run, But Stare Silently When I Pass Again on the Way Home – I’ve noticed a trend recently when I run and it troubles me. When I energetically bound past a fenced-in dog about a block from my home, he chases me from one side of the yard to the other, barking ferociously. However, when I am plodding past the same yard on my way back, I strain to hear over my pounding pulse and squint to see through the sweat pouring from my forehead, and there is nothing. Then, just as I’m about to pass, I notice the beast looking at me from the corner of the yard, a disinterested look (or maybe a look of pity?) on his face. There’s no reason to chase this prey. This prey is dying. It will soon be lying helplessly on the ground. They say dogs can “smell” cancer. Can they sense my impending coronary?
"You are dead to me ... No, seriously, you might be dying, so I'll eat you after my nap or something."
Bad Influences
Posted by Rob in Childhood, Fatherhood, Nonsense, Parenting on May 23, 2011
So, I’m a new dad.
This means, of course, that I’m currently going through all of the typical “new dad” stuff: sleepless nights; holding, rocking and consoling; speaking in ridiculous voices; forgetting to shave or wear pants to work; and trying like hell to overcome the guilt I feel when I say goodbye to my frazzled wife in the morning and leave her alone with our screaming (but precious) little girl.
Early on, I also found myself fighting off a peculiar fear — that she would be too much like me and not enough like her mother.
Does she favor me? I’m sort of hoping she’s got more of her mom in her…
When your still a father-to-be it’s easy to fantasize that your unborn child will have all of your best attributes and none of your worst. However, once your baby arrives and you stare into her big, beautiful eyes, you go blank on these best attributes. No matter how hard you search yourself, you find a paucity of positives (Question: Is a penchant for alliteration a positive or a negative?).
Naturally, this neurotic thinking begins to fade, as you grow comfortable with the fact that she will, for better or worse, have bits of you and bits of your wife in her, balanced by the presence of her own, unique and wonderful personality. It’s at this point that your worry shifts to the dreaded “outside influences.”
What do I mean by outside influences? Well, for instance, as a young child in the 70s, I was regularly exposed to things like this:
Horrifying, isn’t it? I often think that whatever amount of “weird” I may have within me can be traced directly to drug-influenced TV programming such as this. So, naturally, I have a healthy fear of what my daughter may be exposed to once she’s able to comprehend popular entertainment. I can only hope and pray that she never sees anything like this…
Return of the Mack
In honor of my return to blogging after an extended break, I give you this 1996 masterpiece by the great-for-five-minutes Mark Morrison…
This song, which can only be described as Montell Jordan-esque, has always had a way of sticking in my head. After tracking down the lyrics, I now see why. Poetry such as this is hard to find…
(Return of the Mack) it is
(Return of the Mack) come on
(Return of the Mack) oh my God
(You know that I’ll be back) here I am
(Return of the Mack) once again
(Return of the Mack) pump up the world
(Return of the Mack) watch my flow
(You know that I’ll be back) here I go
So I’m back up in the game
Running things to keep my swing
Letting all the people know
That I’m back to run the show
‘Cos what you did, you know, was wrong
And all the nasty things you’ve done
So, baby, listen carefully
While I sing my come-back song
So, this is it, people … I’m back to run the show. In fact, I’m running things to keep my swing, because, you know, what else would I do? I’m all about swing-keeping.
Ode to Ads for Old People
Posted by Rob in Advertising, Media, Nonsense, Pictures on November 16, 2010
But all of that is beside the point, really. The simple truth is that these crinkly, colorful bits of package stuffing may not be long for this world. With the struggles of the newspaper business and the move toward app-based periodical subscriptions, social buying, e-coupons and what not, how can these relics of a bygone era survive? Simply put, they can’t. Indeed, if you examine the bizarre and frequently ridiculous product advertisements interspersed with the actual coupons, you’ll notice that the target demographic for these sections is roughly age 80 and up. In other words, the clock is running out on both the coupon delivery system and the coupon section’s primary users.
So, as someone who still flips through the coupon section each weekend and who occasionally falls for the “Buy 2, Save X” scheme, I feel compelled to offer my own little tribute to this doomed bit of Americana: a selection of photos highlighting the ridiculous products you’ll find in the savings inserts. Enjoy…
Hoarder's Special! Order 10 for every room!
Break out the bifocals! I call this one "The Copywriter's Dream"!
Stylish and, according to the drawings, helps prevent fire ant attacks.
What says "crotchety old man" quite like ugly comfort shoes & cheap cigars?
SPAMment of the Month
Posted by Rob in Nonsense, Social Media on November 14, 2010
Time for another new feature round these here parts … As I regularly receive about 1,500 SPAM comments on the blog per 1 real comment, I decided that the hard-working Spammers should receive some acknowledgement for their tireless and pointless efforts. Also, because some of the comments are flat-out hilarious in their inappropriateness and/or general weirdness, I simply couldn’t keep them all to myself.
So, please enjoy the Foodiot SPAMment of the Month for November, 2010:
“I enjoy the precious facts you offer in your articles or blog posts. I will save your weblog and have my children check up here often. I am quite sure they will learn lots of new stuff here than anybody else! With regards, Yuri.”
I’m pleased that “Yuri” enjoys my “precious facts” (an obvious tell that Yuri doesn’t really read this, as I can assure you that there are no facts to be found here) and I like that he opens with flattery. I do not, however, appreciate the fact that he plans to turn over Foodiot-reading duties to his children, as if he were running some bizarre, Third World, blog-monitoring sweatshop.
Exotic, foreign SPAM is the best!
Snack Foods Nobody Likes: George Washington Carver’s Nightmare
Behold, my readers, “Snack Foods Nobody Likes” has returned with a vengeance. Spongy, orange vengeance.
Ladies and gentlesnackers … I present the much-loathed “Circus Peanuts”!
No, these aren't earplugs. They're candy.
I’ll admit that I struggled with this choice for two reasons: First, there is apparently a long-standing blog tradition of mocking Circus Peanuts and I don’t want to be repetitive. They’ve been chewed, smashed and nuked by a Web site devoted to bad candy; used for prop comedy by one blog; and given the designation of “unappealing” by another. Would I have anything new to say?
Secondly, the things are just so damned unpopular. The question about whether or not anyone actually liked them was asked at least as far back as 1998 and, it appears that even the people who make the ugly things dislike them. Would I be kicking a candy while it’s down?
Nevertheless, I decided to proceed. Too many of my friends and acquaintances voted for them and I had fond memories of my first encounter with these puffy pellets of hyperglycemic horror.
I recall that, as a high-school student, I was out with some friends one weekend for a little innocent merrymaking. This innocent (and by ‘innocent’, I don’t mean Disney/Dumbo/Bambi innocent, but, rather “American Graffiti”-style ‘fond memories of youthful antics’ innocent) excursion involved convincing an older, bearded friend to buy us beer to enhance the night’s carousing. While milling about in the convenience store and trying not to look like I had any association with our bearded buyer, I came across Circus Peanuts hanging on a rack with other cheap candies. I was so amused by their bizarre appearance that I purchased them and they became the source of much laughter for the remainder of the evening.
For all your moralists out there, fear not. Though we were circumventing the law and generally behaving foolishly, I still managed to learn a valuable life lesson: Never, under any circumstances, should one buy or consume Circus Peanuts. Orange vomit is not considered “cool” or attractive by young women.
I also learned that when you slur “Circus Peanuts” it sounds a lot like “Circus Penis” and this makes drunk teenagers giggle, but that’s neither here nor there.
For the record, this site offers a bit of history on Circus Peanuts, but I have my own theory as to their origins. I believe that the makers of packing peanuts were simply looking for a way to recycle their product and/or make money off leftovers, so they chose to coat them in orange, goopy sugar (M&M-like chocolate shells wouldn’t stick) and resold them to candy brokers. See the evidence below…
Now...
Then
Brit Fight!
Just a quick post (and some extremely crude photo doctoring) in honor of my man Lane Pryce (the always excellent Jared Harris), who, in last night’s episode of “Mad Men” received a severe ass-whipping from his snooty, 103-year-old father. In a scene that can best be described as “unexpected,” dear, ancient Dad went all Gregory House on Lane, knockin’ him upside his red head with a cane. Brutal, yes, but not quite enough for Daddy Dearest, who then proceeds to put his foot down – literally and figuratively – crushing Lane’s hand under his (probably steel-toed) boot and instructing him to return to England to settle things with his estranged wife. Dad, who was obviously a soccer hooligan in his youth, then tells Lane that he needs to come home anyway to fetch his manhood and his favorite tea set (not really, but this would have been a fine addition to the scene, if I do say so my self).
"I say, old man, was the caning absolutely necessary?"
Doppelganger of the Week
Well, if there’s a biopic of the late Senator/Presidential candidate Barry Goldwater in the works, I think I’ve discovered who should play him…What do you think? I mean, Barry was sort of a “Mad Man,” you know?
Jared Harris, as Lane Pryce on Mad Men
Sen. AuH2O
Flavor Fails
I’m past due for a “Snack Foods Nobody Likes” post, but I’m still pondering the next selection. As it turns out, there are a lot of bad and/or obscure snacks out there and picking just the right one to mock can be a time-consuming business.
So, in the meantime, I’m going to tide you over with a couple of horrifying discoveries I’ve made in the past week or so. Technically, these are a bit too new to qualify for “Snack Foods Nobody Likes,” but they will, without a doubt, be on the list in the near future (providing they aren’t discontinued within the next few weeks).
Without further ado, here are the … Ummm … What shall we call them? Snack Foods Destined to be Liked by Nobody? Snack Foods Eaten Only by Drunks After a Hard Night Out, Promptly Vomited Up & Never Purchased Again? Whatever. You decide. Here are the pics… (avert your eyes if you have a sensitive stomach)
Cheeseburger Doritos? Ketchup chips? Ugh. When will we see Pringles Salmon? How do they get all of the flavors of a cheeseburger into a chip anyway? Does that mean that a chip or cracker can contain all the elements of a full frozen meal? Will we one day be able to buy Healthy Choice Classic Meatloaf and Savory Brown Gravy with Creamy Mashed Potatoes, Green Beans, and Apple-Cranberry Crisp Triscuit crackers?
** UPDATE: For the record, I do not think ”Catsup chips” would be any better. Probably worse.**
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