Let me get this admission out of the way quickly: I watched a Lifetime movie. Not only did I watch a Lifetime movie, but I happily confessed doing so via Twitter. Hell, I even recommended the film to my friends and coworkers.

In the grand scheme of things, I’m not sure what this means. It could be that I am extremely comfortable with my masculinity or it could mean that I’m badly in need of a better filter. Whatever the case, I’m going to continue to talk about this movie and sing its praises. The future of pop culture could depend on it.

What is this important movie you may ask? It’s “The Client List,” starring the vagazzling, Ghost Whisperer herself, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Cybill Shepherd (a long way from her Maddie Hayes/Moonlighting days) and I think it  may just provide the cure to the aggressive infection that is Reality TV.

More on this “reality killer” idea later. First, courtesy of YouTube, I present a sample of what makes this film so fantastic (please take note of the terrible accents, the atrocious dialogue, the cheap sets and the intrusive, melodramatic music at the end of the clip):

So, now that you have a vague idea of what this film is all about (unintentional hilarity), it’s time to explain why it’s so important. Simply put, Reality TV is over and it needs a replacement. Sure, there was a time when we were all mesmerized by the drama that resulted from “real” people forced to live together in strange places or compete against each other in ill-conceived contests to win money or love. Unfortunately, things have changed. The “real” people are long gone, replaced by professional reality stars, fading celebrities, mindless muscleheads and obvious lunatics. The drama is gone, as we’ve now seen every possible variation of the roomate hookup or roomate fight and every conceivable type of betrayal, prank, breakup or bad decision.

It’s time for the rise (return?) of the over-the-top, awesomely bad made-for-TV movie. Sci-Fi (I’m sorry, “SyFy”) has been ahead of the curve here, cranking out truly horrendous masterpieces at an amazing clip (“Sharktopus,” anyone?) and now Lifetime – a traditional leader in campy TV films – has taken things to a new level with “The Client List” and it apparently paid off. Seriously, it was a hit. Just check out this article on the ratings for J-Love’s masterpiece.

To sum up my point before this becomes a novel:  Terrible movies can and should replace Reality TV. We can laugh at them in the same way we once laughed at Brett Michaels seeking love with a bunch of tramps or thrill at them the way we once thrilled at phony housewives backstabbing other phony housewives. Plus, it can provide an outlet for washed up or terrible actors to practice their craft and earn a paycheck without having to humilate themselves (as much).  Really, wouldn’t you rather see Ray-J or the Kardashians being attacked by poorly CGI’d dinosaurs than pretending to look for a spouse or run a retail store in Miami?

Please let me know if you support this idea. We can start an e-mail campaign or something. I mean it.

Anyway, before I wrap up, here’s a sampling of some particularly outstanding dialogue from “The Client List.” These quotes could be great fun at parties or useful for entertaining friends and family during the holidays, so enjoy:

• “We’re gonna call you Brandy ’cause you look like you go down real smooth.”
• “The little blue pills keep us in the black!”
• “You know what gum with nicotine tastes like? Gum with nicotine.”
• “I’ll tell you what’s crazy…Me, sittin’ here bored and horny while Sam’s got three rooms goin’.”
• “I got to say, Sam’s been busy as popcorn…”
• “I can’t go home and “Idol” auditions aren’t for another six months (DRAMATIC PAUSE) Will you pray with me?”
• “Ever since this happened, people think they can tell me anything. Checkout girl at the Sav-A-Lot told me she doesn’t like to do it doggie-style.”

And, finally, a quote from Cybill Shepherd’s character that probably sums up what you’re asking yourself right now about “The Client List”:

• “Is it just disgustin’? I’m picture’n disgustin’.”

Yes, yes it is. And that’s precisely why we need more movies just like it.