Archive for category TV

Pass the Scotch, ’cause it’s time to get Roasted

Posted by Rob in Hollywood, Humor, TV on August 10, 2010

Nowadays, we know Las Vegas for its ad campaigns, empty houses, and, of course, the moody lighting in its fantastically modern crime lab. But, back in the glory days, it was known for casinos, showgirls, the mob and, perhaps most importantly, the Rat Pack. In the 70s, one of the Rat Pack leaders, Dean Martin hosted a regular series of celebrity roasts that aired on network television (yes, that’s right, celebrity roasts on network TV. I would chuckle about this, but, considering the current state of network TV, it might not be long before we see these on one of the the ‘big three’ again soon). If you’ve ever watched TV at odd hours of the night or Sunday mornings, you might have seen informercials for DVD sets of these “Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.” In case you haven’t, though, here’s what I’m referring to:

So, you might be asking, why am I telling you about all of this? Are you kidding? Did you see the footage in that infomercial? The terrifying decor? The aging Hollywood stars sporting terrible 70s fashions and hairdos? What about the fact that the DVDs are being sold by Guthy-Renker, makers of Proactive Solution? This stuff is gold, my friends.

Not only did I actually order this stuff (well, techically, my wife got me the first set, God bless her), but I’ve been watching it all week. There’s drinking onstage, smoking, and a combination of true Hollywood legends (John Wayne, Jimmy Stewart, Gene Kelly), politicians (Barry Goldwater, Ronald Reagan, Hubert Humphrey, Barry Freakin’ Goldwater) and old-school comedians (Nipsey Russell, Paul Lynde, Rich Little). It’s like a surreal mash-up of “Mad Men,” “Hollywood Squares” and the Academy Awards.  In case my words are not doing it justice, enjoy a taste for yourselves …

I have much more to say about these fine DVDs, but I need to put down my cocktail glass for the night and head to bed (where I’m sure I’ll have nightmares of  Roast regular Orson Welles, in his Paul Masson “No wine before its time,” blimp phase). In the meantime, pick up the phone and order your copies today. Trust me, you won’t regret it. And, besides, if you order the first few sets, I think you get a travel pack of Proactive for free.

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I’ve Finally Found the J-Love of a Lifetime

Posted by Rob in Humor, Nonsense, TV on July 26, 2010

Let me get this admission out of the way quickly: I watched a Lifetime movie. Not only did I watch a Lifetime movie, but I happily confessed doing so via Twitter. Hell, I even recommended the film to my friends and coworkers.

In the grand scheme of things, I’m not sure what this means. It could be that I am extremely comfortable with my masculinity or it could mean that I’m badly in need of a better filter. Whatever the case, I’m going to continue to talk about this movie and sing its praises. The future of pop culture could depend on it.

What is this important movie you may ask? It’s “The Client List,” starring the vagazzling, Ghost Whisperer herself, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Cybill Shepherd (a long way from her Maddie Hayes/Moonlighting days) and I think it  may just provide the cure to the aggressive infection that is Reality TV.

More on this “reality killer” idea later. First, courtesy of YouTube, I present a sample of what makes this film so fantastic (please take note of the terrible accents, the atrocious dialogue, the cheap sets and the intrusive, melodramatic music at the end of the clip):

So, now that you have a vague idea of what this film is all about (unintentional hilarity), it’s time to explain why it’s so important. Simply put, Reality TV is over and it needs a replacement. Sure, there was a time when we were all mesmerized by the drama that resulted from “real” people forced to live together in strange places or compete against each other in ill-conceived contests to win money or love. Unfortunately, things have changed. The “real” people are long gone, replaced by professional reality stars, fading celebrities, mindless muscleheads and obvious lunatics. The drama is gone, as we’ve now seen every possible variation of the roomate hookup or roomate fight and every conceivable type of betrayal, prank, breakup or bad decision.

It’s time for the rise (return?) of the over-the-top, awesomely bad made-for-TV movie. Sci-Fi (I’m sorry, “SyFy”) has been ahead of the curve here, cranking out truly horrendous masterpieces at an amazing clip (“Sharktopus,” anyone?) and now Lifetime – a traditional leader in campy TV films – has taken things to a new level with “The Client List” and it apparently paid off. Seriously, it was a hit. Just check out this article on the ratings for J-Love’s masterpiece.

To sum up my point before this becomes a novel:  Terrible movies can and should replace Reality TV. We can laugh at them in the same way we once laughed at Brett Michaels seeking love with a bunch of tramps or thrill at them the way we once thrilled at phony housewives backstabbing other phony housewives. Plus, it can provide an outlet for washed up or terrible actors to practice their craft and earn a paycheck without having to humilate themselves (as much).  Really, wouldn’t you rather see Ray-J or the Kardashians being attacked by poorly CGI’d dinosaurs than pretending to look for a spouse or run a retail store in Miami?

Please let me know if you support this idea. We can start an e-mail campaign or something. I mean it.

Anyway, before I wrap up, here’s a sampling of some particularly outstanding dialogue from “The Client List.” These quotes could be great fun at parties or useful for entertaining friends and family during the holidays, so enjoy:

  • “We’re gonna call you Brandy ’cause you look like you go down real smooth.”
  • “The little blue pills keep us in the black!”
  • “You know what gum with nicotine tastes like? Gum with nicotine.”
  • “I’ll tell you what’s crazy…Me, sittin’ here bored and horny while Sam’s got three rooms goin’.”
  • “I got to say, Sam’s been busy as popcorn…”
  • “I can’t go home and “Idol” auditions aren’t for another six months (DRAMATIC PAUSE) Will you pray with me?”
  • “Ever since this happened, people think they can tell me anything. Checkout girl at the Sav-A-Lot told me she doesn’t like to do it doggie-style.”

And, finally, a quote from Cybill Shepherd’s character that probably sums up what you’re asking yourself right now about “The Client List”:

  • “Is it just disgustin’? I’m picture’n disgustin’.”

Yes, yes it is. And that’s precisely why we need more movies just like it.

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Intervention for Little People Survivors in Tiaras

Posted by Rob in Humor, Nonsense, TV on July 20, 2010

On Saturday, my wife was out of town for a baby shower and I had a “bachelor” day. This consisted largely of me laying on the sofa and consuming things like pieces of Tyson pre-cooked, “grilled” chicken strips wrapped in Sargento Colby Jack cheese – my own, low-rent variation on the infamous KFC Double Down.

The day was not all sloth and gluttony, however. In fact, I was able to squeeze in a productive afternoon of watching reality/trash TV. It was while taking care of this important duty (staying up-to-date on popular culture is mandatory for…well…this blog, I guess) that I noticed a trend: Reality-heavy networks like TLC, E, Discovery, etc. are apparently so devoid of new ideas that not only are they copying each other, but they are creating endless variations on the same themes.

For instance, I saw promotion for this show, which apparently premiered recently:

So, first, there were multiple shows about one, lone tough man dropped into hostile environs to fend for himself – Survivorman, Man Vs. Wild, etc. Then, more recently, there was the launch of Dual Survivor, in which two total opposites work to survive in the wild while engaging in lively arguments caused by their opposite-ness. Now we have man and wife (or girlfriend, whatever) surviving the wilderness and engaging in repetitive domestic quarels.  Wonderful.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, however. There are now multiple “little people” shows – Little People, Big World; Little Chocolatiers; Pit Boss. There are multiple shows about making baked treats – Cake Boss, Ace of Cakes, Amazing Wedding Cakes. And, of course, there is the amazingly-depressing-but-growing ”mental illness and/or addiction” genre – Intervention, Hoarders, Hoarding: Buried Alive. 

Thankfully, there is only one Toddlers and Tiaras.

Anyway, here is my pitch for the next round of reality knock-offs. Feel free to vote for your favorite:

  • Little People, Big Hoarders – Little people who are literally buried alive in their own stuff and forced to find a phone to call for help.
  • Toddler Intervention – Baffled toddlers cry while therapists and family members berate them for their chronic thumbsucking, security blanket use, or love of sugary beverages.
  • Pervs Vs. Wild – Parents, judges and audience members from Toddlers and Tiaras are dropped into savage jungles, arctic wastelands and unforgiving deserts and left forever.

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I’m Watching Summer TV So You Don’t Have To

Posted by Rob in TV on July 7, 2010

Summertime has traditionally been a TV wasteland. Network shows are on hiatus. Terrible shows that weren’t picked up get test runs. There is no football (American version). Sure, there was once a time when Fox ran fresh eps of “Beverly Hills 90210″ during the summer, but that was a long time ago. Occasionally, cable has offered a respite, launching a new, quality show here and there, but even this seems to have come to an end. Now, it seems, summer is almost exclusively about Reality TV. Not just any Reality TV, mind you, but the worst of the worst. Reality TV so bad that it makes me long for halcyon days of “Rock of Love,” or, God help me, “Jon & Kate Plus 8.” Don’t believe me? Well, how about some examples:   

  1. You’re Cut Off, VH1 – I won’t bother to describe the ludicrous premise. I’ll just say that it features a cast of human-like beings such as this:

2. Holly’s World, E – A completely unnecessary spin-off of the old (and, sadly, superior) “Girls Next Door” starring a zomb-ette who once lived in the Playboy mansion and tried desperately to talk Hugh Hefner’s corpse into marrying her. She was perhaps the least interesting part of “Girls Next Door” (for the record, the most interesting part may have been Hefner’s loud witch cackle) and you can see just how uncompelling she is in this clip:

3. Finally, there is Real World New Orleans. With all that my fine city has been through in recent years, this just seems gratuitous. I won’t assault your senses with a clip from this franchise-killer. I will say that it makes me long for the poetic genius of David from the first Real World New Orleans:

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