Posts Tagged Humor
Hello, all! I know I’ve been away for a while, but things have been a little crazy lately (parenthood and whatnot). Nevertheless, I wanted you to know I’m thinking about you during this glorious holiday season! If you miss me, you can always find me here.
Things That Make Me Uncomfortable, Vol. 1
As a blogger, I believe in sharing. This may seem obvious, but I think that some bloggers hold back on personal details. Some are dedicated to specific topics and they rarely provide insight into their inner workings or personalities. Well, you’ll find no such reluctance here. I wear my heart on my sleeve (unless my shirt has stripes and it looks too busy), so I’m going to open up to you today and share a very special list that will help you better understand me.
I considered starting this program of “sharing” with a list of things that make me happy, but that seemed a little trite. Not “attention-grabbing” enough. So, I chose to begin this process with something negative. This will be (enemies take note)… a list of things that disturb me or really make me squirm.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you …
Things That Make Me Uncomfortable, Volume 1
1. This picture (and the ratings for this show) ….
Please, please don't reveal...
2. Smelly elevators – Whether it reeks of fried food, mold, body odor or (God forbid) human flatulence, this is an all-around nightmare scenario. The smell serves as an especially unpleasant reminder that you are temporarily trapped in a very small space and it also sets you up for public humiliation. Undoubtedly, when someone else boards the elevator (usually an attractive member of the opposite sex), they will mentally assign blame for the smell to you. It’s inevitable… You are there. The stink is there (and obviously fresh). In this person’s mind, you become one with the stink.
3. Any TV commercial that references “embarrassing odors”
4. Female friends/Wives of friends/Coworkers/Acquaintances who post pictures of themselves in swimwear on Facebook. Please stop this. I cannot click on these. Indeed, I cannot event glance at them. It’s akin to walking by a strip club on Bourbon Street with family – even once quick look and you feel like a filthy pervert. It would be unthinkable for me to “like” such a photo or comment on it. Would a husband, boyfriend or my wife buy it for a minute if I were to say “Wow, the beach sure looks amazing!” or “I would love to jump in that pool behind you”?
5. Old William Shatner
Need I say more?
6. Watching comedies I enjoy with anyone over the age of 55. This never goes well. I have nothing against older people, but they tend to be a bit befuddled by what I find amusing. I once watched Tosh.0 with my parents. This won’t happen again.
Not funny to retirees, "the Greatest Generation" or anyone who might vacation in Branson, MO.
7. Large men in tiny jogging shorts …
Even for fit people & Daniel Tosh, this is simply too much thigh.
8. Riding in a car with my father behind the wheel – I love my father dearly, but he has been retired for a few years now and has fully entered that “Screw it, I’ve earned this…” phase in which traffic laws are viewed as unsolicited advice. Stop lights can be run if no one is around and turn signals are simply silly, unnecessary automobile extras like tissue box holders.
9. My entire 2011 Fantasy Football roster.
10. This contest on the official CBS “Criminal Minds” website. Seriously … an “Ultimate Fan” contest for a show about deranged serial killers? Isn’t this just tempting some nut job out there to commit a heinous crime modeled after one seen on the show? This would certainly prove their devotion to the program, while also giving them a chance at fame by ultimately becoming a plotline on the show itself. You’re playing with fire, CBS.
The contestants so far... Place your bets!
11. Circus Peanuts (see this post for full details)
12. Dogs that Bark at Me When I Jog Past Early in My Run, But Stare Silently When I Pass Again on the Way Home – I’ve noticed a trend recently when I run and it troubles me. When I energetically bound past a fenced-in dog about a block from my home, he chases me from one side of the yard to the other, barking ferociously. However, when I am plodding past the same yard on my way back, I strain to hear over my pounding pulse and squint to see through the sweat pouring from my forehead, and there is nothing. Then, just as I’m about to pass, I notice the beast looking at me from the corner of the yard, a disinterested look (or maybe a look of pity?) on his face. There’s no reason to chase this prey. This prey is dying. It will soon be lying helplessly on the ground. They say dogs can “smell” cancer. Can they sense my impending coronary?
"You are dead to me ... No, seriously, you might be dying, so I'll eat you after my nap or something."
It’s my birthday, so Sue me
"Abandon all hope of not stuffing your face, ye who enter here"
I hope my last meal looks something like this (but with a side of cheese fries).
I have a framed picture of this meal on my desk, next to photos of my wife and daughter.
Don't trust Crocodile Douchedee, Sue. In the end, he'll take you down for a death roll at the bottom of the lake.
Bad Influences
Posted by Rob in Childhood, Fatherhood, Nonsense, Parenting on May 23, 2011
So, I’m a new dad.
This means, of course, that I’m currently going through all of the typical “new dad” stuff: sleepless nights; holding, rocking and consoling; speaking in ridiculous voices; forgetting to shave or wear pants to work; and trying like hell to overcome the guilt I feel when I say goodbye to my frazzled wife in the morning and leave her alone with our screaming (but precious) little girl.
Early on, I also found myself fighting off a peculiar fear — that she would be too much like me and not enough like her mother.
Does she favor me? I’m sort of hoping she’s got more of her mom in her…
When your still a father-to-be it’s easy to fantasize that your unborn child will have all of your best attributes and none of your worst. However, once your baby arrives and you stare into her big, beautiful eyes, you go blank on these best attributes. No matter how hard you search yourself, you find a paucity of positives (Question: Is a penchant for alliteration a positive or a negative?).
Naturally, this neurotic thinking begins to fade, as you grow comfortable with the fact that she will, for better or worse, have bits of you and bits of your wife in her, balanced by the presence of her own, unique and wonderful personality. It’s at this point that your worry shifts to the dreaded “outside influences.”
What do I mean by outside influences? Well, for instance, as a young child in the 70s, I was regularly exposed to things like this:
Horrifying, isn’t it? I often think that whatever amount of “weird” I may have within me can be traced directly to drug-influenced TV programming such as this. So, naturally, I have a healthy fear of what my daughter may be exposed to once she’s able to comprehend popular entertainment. I can only hope and pray that she never sees anything like this…
Yep, I’m on the Pad.
Posted by Rob in Media, Pontification, Social Media, Technology on April 20, 2011
Consider this post a noble experiment. It is my attempt to bring Foodiot.com to the cutting edge of Blog-dom and leap right over it. For you see, this post was created on (drumroll)… (unnecessary additional drumroll)… an iPad 2! (Or at least I think it’s an iPad 2. When I went to the store, I didn’t actually say “I would like an iPad 2, please.” So, I suppose they could’ve sold me some employee’s used, original iPad.)
Random Aside: There are a hell of a lot of parentheses in that last paragraph. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.
Anyway, where was I? Oh, that’s right, I was telling you that I’m on a Pad, which is a little like saying “I’m on a horse,” but not as manly or as likely to become a meme. And, really, this entire half-ass post is nothing more than a test to see if can use this new blogging App I shelled out $2.99 for.
Thus, in closing, I present to you – apropos of nothing – the trailer for one of the finest films of the 1980s…
Countdown to Christmas: Darth’s Head Cheese
Posted by Rob in Advertising, Childhood, Fatherhood, Parenting, TV on December 14, 2010
I’ve found that preparing for the arrival of a first child leads one to think deeply about a variety of subjects, from finances and career goals to personal health and home ownership. Perhaps least important among the array of things one is moved to contemplate when becoming a parent is one’s own childhood.
If you know me, then, you can probably guess that my childhood is the thing I’ve been thinking about the most, as it is far less stressful than the other subjects and I have some degree of expertise in it.
I’m also thinking about my childhood because I want to be prepared to be a positive influence on my daughter. Right now, I have no idea what sort of books, TV shows, comics, toys, music, and games will capture my little girl’s imagination once she’s is old enough to comprehend such things, but I surely recall the things that I loved in my youth. And, ultimately, isn’t it going to be my duty to impose all of my interests on my offspring? Shouldn’t I get started preparing a list of things she will be required to like?
Let me answer that for you: Of course I should!
That’s why I’m launching a very special “Countdown to Christmas” post series, featuring a forced walk down my memory lane. This is an important project that will help both my daughter and you, the reader, better understand my dementia, so let’s get started…
All your favorite characters, trapped within the head a murderous villain!
First up is this fantastic late-70s TV commercial for Kenner’s Star Wars Darth Vader action figure collector’s case. My childhood Christmas lists were dominated by Star Wars toys, so it felt appropriate to begin with this. There are dozens of these dated TV spots to be found (some feature children actually playing outdoors – remember those days?), but I chose this one because it focuses on a carrying case and that amuses me. The marketing assumption, it seems, was that a majority of young boys at the time were extremely anal and deeply concerned with arranging and displaying their figures in just the right way. Maybe this was true and I was just an odd duck, but my primary concern at that time was possessing every possible playset and spacecraft and attempting to cinematically blow them all up.
Ode to Ads for Old People
Posted by Rob in Advertising, Media, Nonsense, Pictures on November 16, 2010
But all of that is beside the point, really. The simple truth is that these crinkly, colorful bits of package stuffing may not be long for this world. With the struggles of the newspaper business and the move toward app-based periodical subscriptions, social buying, e-coupons and what not, how can these relics of a bygone era survive? Simply put, they can’t. Indeed, if you examine the bizarre and frequently ridiculous product advertisements interspersed with the actual coupons, you’ll notice that the target demographic for these sections is roughly age 80 and up. In other words, the clock is running out on both the coupon delivery system and the coupon section’s primary users.
So, as someone who still flips through the coupon section each weekend and who occasionally falls for the “Buy 2, Save X” scheme, I feel compelled to offer my own little tribute to this doomed bit of Americana: a selection of photos highlighting the ridiculous products you’ll find in the savings inserts. Enjoy…
Hoarder's Special! Order 10 for every room!
Break out the bifocals! I call this one "The Copywriter's Dream"!
Stylish and, according to the drawings, helps prevent fire ant attacks.
What says "crotchety old man" quite like ugly comfort shoes & cheap cigars?
All the Rage
With all the recent talk of voter ire and Tea Party anger, it’s nice to see the term “rage” used in a positive way (I think). Whatever the hell he means, former LSU pitcher and now World Series Champion Brian Wilson gives damn good post-game interview:
On this election day, I say God Bless America and God Bless Brian Wilson. I look forward to his next great quote and his next experimental album.
Daddy Issues
Posted by Rob in Fatherhood, Humor, Parenting, Social Media on October 13, 2010
I'm wearing this 80s Bacon hairstyle until the birth.
I’m going to be a parent! A daddy. Da-Da. Papa. Pops. Pa.
This is, of course, an amazing and exciting time for my wife and I, but I do have some concerns and fears.
What are these worrisome thoughts, you may ask? Well, I’m not going to rehash all of stuff you’ll find in the bazillion books, blogs or newspaper columns for “expectant fathers.” I’m not going to get into things like finances, finding the right doctor, changing diapers, or other such trivialities. I’m going to get right to the critical issues.
Here are the things that are really weighing on my mind:
- Will I be expected to immediately change my Facebook profile picture to a picture of my child? If so, how long does this remain in place? Until age 3? 5? 8? Until we have another child? Until I’m bald and wrinkled?
- At what age should I create social media profiles for my child? When can he/she starts to “Digg” articles or share favorite YouTube videos? Six months? They say children pick up fast on these new technologies, so I’m going to test that. Maybe three months.
- People have recommended that we go ahead and get our child-to-be on the waiting lists for good day care, private school, etc. Is there a similar list for reality shows? Is there a waiting list for “Real World” or (God forbid) “Tool Academy”?
- My child will be roughly a week old (assuming our due date holds) by the time the first weekend of JazzFest rolls around. Will he/she be able to appreciate the experience at that age? Should I be playing some Nicholas Payton, Neville Brothers and Kermit Ruffins for him/her in the womb?
- Is someone working on/developing a baby monitor-social media combo device? Something that can tweet me updates on my baby? Better yet, a “Baby Foursquare” that allows he or she to ‘check in’ at the corner of the crib or, when old enough to crawl, from various landmarks around the room? I want my child to be “Mayor of the Changing Table,” so someone needs to make this happen.
- Do my “Interests” on Facebook change when I become a parent? Will I be forced to add such things as “Dora the Explorer,” Nickelodeon, and The Imagination Movers to my list? (This is neither here nor there, but I noticed that a few people I know on Facebook listed “Kids” as an interest. I found this somewhat disturbing. Perhaps it would be best if they put “MY kids” as an interest, or something of that nature. Just a thought.)
- Should I go ahead and stake out a place in social media for my unborn child? Start making “friends” for them or gathering followers? Will this make them feel more ‘welcome’ in the world? Oh, wait … Nevermind. It looks like someone at Fast Company has already been thinking about this.
- And, finally, will I pass on all of my midichlorians to my son/daughter so that the Force will be strong with he/she as well?
Diary of a Wimpy Run 2: Real World Boogaloo
Posted by Rob in Fitness, Humor, Music, New Orleans, Uncategorized on September 17, 2010
This next phase of my run is really the most dangerous. The first problem is that it’s still early and I’m not really warmed up yet. Pausing for traffic gives me time to think about quitting. My legs are still angry with me for dragging them out for this nonsense and I’m starting to think of things I should probably be doing instead (like downloading new music for future runs). Also, I notice the cabs that mysteriously congregate on the side of Sacred Heart and realize that I could flag one down and get a ride home.
A ride home or a hit-and-run waiting to happen?
Somehow I find the mental strength to soldier on and I step out into the street. This is where the second problem comes in … those cabs. They sit there idling, the drivers chatting loudly on cell phones and paying no heed to their surroundings. Sometimes, like an assassin who has been waiting for just right moment, a cabbie will suddenly gun it and come hurtling toward me at top speed.
After dodging the cabs and surviving the speeders on Napoleon, I enter a block populated by very untrusting canines. The first one is a mystery to me. From his frantic, high-pitched bark, I believe it to be small, but I can’t say for sure. He lives on a patio behind a condo and is hidden behind a tall fence that he bangs up against in his fury to get at me.
I'm not sure how long this fence will hold.
A new song begins on the iPod and it gives me the inspiration I need to get through this zone: “Danke Schoen” by a young Wayne Newton.” Sure, it’s odd choice for a run. You certainly won’t find it on any of those Nike workout playlists available in the iTunes store, but it works for me. It’s upbeat and “happy” and I never fail to chuckle at how Young Wayne sounds like a 14-year-old girl. It also makes me think of the time I actually went to a Wayne Newton show and he fell into the front row while trying to accept hugs and flowers from elderly fans. Danke Schoen indeed, Wayne. Danke Schoen.
Next, I pass in front of a house with a fenced front yard occupied by two lazy, large dogs and one energetic little Benji. Benji hates me with a passion and he tries to rouse the others from their porch naps in order to form a posse. Occasionally one of them will get up and stumble down the steps looking befuddled, but only Benji makes it to the fence to unleash barking hell.
Oh Heavenly Attack Dogs
After Benji and his gang, I come upon Sacred Heart - More Impressive Campus. Here, much work is underway and I’m forced to run in the street. I might have run right into large holes in the sidewalk if not for these helpful signs …
If not for this sign, I'd plunge right into that muddy pit.
Next up, I enter the Twilight Zone. That’s what I call the part of my route through the neighborhood, from roughly the block past Sacred Heart to the interesection of St. Charles and Jefferson. Things I have seen on this part of my route during the past year or so: A family on horseback, a speeding horse and buggy, a man in a top hat with a cane, someone in an Easter Bunny costume. The most terrifying encounter? The cast of The Real World: New Orleans.
Speaking of the Real World, the next major landmark on my run is The Real World: New Orleans house, which sits on an otherwise peaceful, pleasant block. Appropriately, the next song to pop up on the iPod is “Down with the Sickness” by Disturbed.
Once The Real World house, now a home for wayward yard signs.
On several occassions last winter and spring, I ran past the Real World House and had no idea what was going on. Every evening it was lit up like a Vegas casino and there was always a group of young people loitering around outside. I assumed they were simply kids throwing parties while their wealthy parents were out of town. Little did I know that, on several occassions, I was likely running right past the perhaps-crazy-enough-to-be-homicidal Ryan. I could have been maimed, killed or, worse, vomited on.
If you didn’t experience the horror of The Real World New Orleans for yourself and don’t fully understand how close I was to danger, just watch this and fear for society: Real World: New Orleans | Ep. 2 | Knight Fights, Love Bites
Now, each time I pass this area, my pace quickens and I’m inspired to make it home to safety as fast as I can. In fact, this is the point where things get a little blurry…
Blazing speed: what scenery looks like when I turn on the burners...
In fact, the only time I pause on my way home is to put my hand over my heart and say a quick Pledge of Allegiance at this house…
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