Posts Tagged TV
Things That Make Me Uncomfortable, Vol. 1
As a blogger, I believe in sharing. This may seem obvious, but I think that some bloggers hold back on personal details. Some are dedicated to specific topics and they rarely provide insight into their inner workings or personalities. Well, you’ll find no such reluctance here. I wear my heart on my sleeve (unless my shirt has stripes and it looks too busy), so I’m going to open up to you today and share a very special list that will help you better understand me.
I considered starting this program of “sharing” with a list of things that make me happy, but that seemed a little trite. Not “attention-grabbing” enough. So, I chose to begin this process with something negative. This will be (enemies take note)… a list of things that disturb me or really make me squirm.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you …
Things That Make Me Uncomfortable, Volume 1
1. This picture (and the ratings for this show) ….
Please, please don't reveal...
2. Smelly elevators – Whether it reeks of fried food, mold, body odor or (God forbid) human flatulence, this is an all-around nightmare scenario. The smell serves as an especially unpleasant reminder that you are temporarily trapped in a very small space and it also sets you up for public humiliation. Undoubtedly, when someone else boards the elevator (usually an attractive member of the opposite sex), they will mentally assign blame for the smell to you. It’s inevitable… You are there. The stink is there (and obviously fresh). In this person’s mind, you become one with the stink.
3. Any TV commercial that references “embarrassing odors”
4. Female friends/Wives of friends/Coworkers/Acquaintances who post pictures of themselves in swimwear on Facebook. Please stop this. I cannot click on these. Indeed, I cannot event glance at them. It’s akin to walking by a strip club on Bourbon Street with family – even once quick look and you feel like a filthy pervert. It would be unthinkable for me to “like” such a photo or comment on it. Would a husband, boyfriend or my wife buy it for a minute if I were to say “Wow, the beach sure looks amazing!” or “I would love to jump in that pool behind you”?
5. Old William Shatner
Need I say more?
6. Watching comedies I enjoy with anyone over the age of 55. This never goes well. I have nothing against older people, but they tend to be a bit befuddled by what I find amusing. I once watched Tosh.0 with my parents. This won’t happen again.
Not funny to retirees, "the Greatest Generation" or anyone who might vacation in Branson, MO.
7. Large men in tiny jogging shorts …
Even for fit people & Daniel Tosh, this is simply too much thigh.
8. Riding in a car with my father behind the wheel – I love my father dearly, but he has been retired for a few years now and has fully entered that “Screw it, I’ve earned this…” phase in which traffic laws are viewed as unsolicited advice. Stop lights can be run if no one is around and turn signals are simply silly, unnecessary automobile extras like tissue box holders.
9. My entire 2011 Fantasy Football roster.
10. This contest on the official CBS “Criminal Minds” website. Seriously … an “Ultimate Fan” contest for a show about deranged serial killers? Isn’t this just tempting some nut job out there to commit a heinous crime modeled after one seen on the show? This would certainly prove their devotion to the program, while also giving them a chance at fame by ultimately becoming a plotline on the show itself. You’re playing with fire, CBS.
The contestants so far... Place your bets!
11. Circus Peanuts (see this post for full details)
12. Dogs that Bark at Me When I Jog Past Early in My Run, But Stare Silently When I Pass Again on the Way Home – I’ve noticed a trend recently when I run and it troubles me. When I energetically bound past a fenced-in dog about a block from my home, he chases me from one side of the yard to the other, barking ferociously. However, when I am plodding past the same yard on my way back, I strain to hear over my pounding pulse and squint to see through the sweat pouring from my forehead, and there is nothing. Then, just as I’m about to pass, I notice the beast looking at me from the corner of the yard, a disinterested look (or maybe a look of pity?) on his face. There’s no reason to chase this prey. This prey is dying. It will soon be lying helplessly on the ground. They say dogs can “smell” cancer. Can they sense my impending coronary?
"You are dead to me ... No, seriously, you might be dying, so I'll eat you after my nap or something."
Bad Influences
Posted by Rob in Childhood, Fatherhood, Nonsense, Parenting on May 23, 2011
So, I’m a new dad.
This means, of course, that I’m currently going through all of the typical “new dad” stuff: sleepless nights; holding, rocking and consoling; speaking in ridiculous voices; forgetting to shave or wear pants to work; and trying like hell to overcome the guilt I feel when I say goodbye to my frazzled wife in the morning and leave her alone with our screaming (but precious) little girl.
Early on, I also found myself fighting off a peculiar fear — that she would be too much like me and not enough like her mother.
Does she favor me? I’m sort of hoping she’s got more of her mom in her…
When your still a father-to-be it’s easy to fantasize that your unborn child will have all of your best attributes and none of your worst. However, once your baby arrives and you stare into her big, beautiful eyes, you go blank on these best attributes. No matter how hard you search yourself, you find a paucity of positives (Question: Is a penchant for alliteration a positive or a negative?).
Naturally, this neurotic thinking begins to fade, as you grow comfortable with the fact that she will, for better or worse, have bits of you and bits of your wife in her, balanced by the presence of her own, unique and wonderful personality. It’s at this point that your worry shifts to the dreaded “outside influences.”
What do I mean by outside influences? Well, for instance, as a young child in the 70s, I was regularly exposed to things like this:
Horrifying, isn’t it? I often think that whatever amount of “weird” I may have within me can be traced directly to drug-influenced TV programming such as this. So, naturally, I have a healthy fear of what my daughter may be exposed to once she’s able to comprehend popular entertainment. I can only hope and pray that she never sees anything like this…
Countdown to Christmas: Oy Joe!
The exciting-only-to-me Foodiot “Countdown to Christmas” continues with an amusing, early-80s TV spot for Hasbro’s G.I. Joe action figures. My first experience with G.I. Joe came at a very young age, when I took possession of one of my uncle’s freakishly fuzzy-haired, scar-faced G.I. Joe dolls from the late 60s/early 70s. Christmas brought me plenty of cool equipment and weapons for Chia Head Joe, but he remained a one-man fighting force without a proper enemy. If he wanted to see action, he was forced to fight the only other toys I had: Darth Vader, Godzilla, and supervillains like The Riddler. In short, Joe was way out of his league (Okay, he could take out The Riddler if he didn’t fall for his trickery, but still…).
Needless to say, I was excited when the updated G.I. Joe action figures were introduced and the line included an enemy: Cobra. Finally, I could have a full strike force of Joes (sadly, without fuzzy hair) fighting equivalent/appropriate villains in weird blue uniforms and masks! Unfortunately, my time with the new G.I. Joes was relatively short-lived, as I found myself growing out of my toy phase a year or two after their launch. Still, I enjoyed them for a few Christmases and long enough to recall the figure introduced in this TV commercial.
“I don’t know any Zartan … I’m just a innocent, bearded fetishest wandering in the jungle.”
Where do I begin with this one? How about … A villain who changes color in sunlight? Is this really an advantage if he’s still wearing clothes? I’m not impressed. Hell, even a civilian like me can change color in the sunlight, it just takes a while and I only blend in with Stop signs or JazzFest crowds. What is impressive, however, is Zartan’s vehicle. Who wouldn’t want a snowmobile/jet ski mashup that drives on rocks, flies, and is easily transformed into a heavy pile of junk you can drag around behind you?
Countdown to Christmas: Darth’s Head Cheese
Posted by Rob in Advertising, Childhood, Fatherhood, Parenting, TV on December 14, 2010
I’ve found that preparing for the arrival of a first child leads one to think deeply about a variety of subjects, from finances and career goals to personal health and home ownership. Perhaps least important among the array of things one is moved to contemplate when becoming a parent is one’s own childhood.
If you know me, then, you can probably guess that my childhood is the thing I’ve been thinking about the most, as it is far less stressful than the other subjects and I have some degree of expertise in it.
I’m also thinking about my childhood because I want to be prepared to be a positive influence on my daughter. Right now, I have no idea what sort of books, TV shows, comics, toys, music, and games will capture my little girl’s imagination once she’s is old enough to comprehend such things, but I surely recall the things that I loved in my youth. And, ultimately, isn’t it going to be my duty to impose all of my interests on my offspring? Shouldn’t I get started preparing a list of things she will be required to like?
Let me answer that for you: Of course I should!
That’s why I’m launching a very special “Countdown to Christmas” post series, featuring a forced walk down my memory lane. This is an important project that will help both my daughter and you, the reader, better understand my dementia, so let’s get started…
All your favorite characters, trapped within the head a murderous villain!
First up is this fantastic late-70s TV commercial for Kenner’s Star Wars Darth Vader action figure collector’s case. My childhood Christmas lists were dominated by Star Wars toys, so it felt appropriate to begin with this. There are dozens of these dated TV spots to be found (some feature children actually playing outdoors – remember those days?), but I chose this one because it focuses on a carrying case and that amuses me. The marketing assumption, it seems, was that a majority of young boys at the time were extremely anal and deeply concerned with arranging and displaying their figures in just the right way. Maybe this was true and I was just an odd duck, but my primary concern at that time was possessing every possible playset and spacecraft and attempting to cinematically blow them all up.
Brit Fight!
Just a quick post (and some extremely crude photo doctoring) in honor of my man Lane Pryce (the always excellent Jared Harris), who, in last night’s episode of “Mad Men” received a severe ass-whipping from his snooty, 103-year-old father. In a scene that can best be described as “unexpected,” dear, ancient Dad went all Gregory House on Lane, knockin’ him upside his red head with a cane. Brutal, yes, but not quite enough for Daddy Dearest, who then proceeds to put his foot down – literally and figuratively – crushing Lane’s hand under his (probably steel-toed) boot and instructing him to return to England to settle things with his estranged wife. Dad, who was obviously a soccer hooligan in his youth, then tells Lane that he needs to come home anyway to fetch his manhood and his favorite tea set (not really, but this would have been a fine addition to the scene, if I do say so my self).
"I say, old man, was the caning absolutely necessary?"
Pass the Scotch, ’cause it’s time to get Roasted
Nowadays, we know Las Vegas for its ad campaigns, empty houses, and, of course, the moody lighting in its fantastically modern crime lab. But, back in the glory days, it was known for casinos, showgirls, the mob and, perhaps most importantly, the Rat Pack. In the 70s, one of the Rat Pack leaders, Dean Martin hosted a regular series of celebrity roasts that aired on network television (yes, that’s right, celebrity roasts on network TV. I would chuckle about this, but, considering the current state of network TV, it might not be long before we see these on one of the the ‘big three’ again soon). If you’ve ever watched TV at odd hours of the night or Sunday mornings, you might have seen informercials for DVD sets of these “Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.” In case you haven’t, though, here’s what I’m referring to:
So, you might be asking, why am I telling you about all of this? Are you kidding? Did you see the footage in that infomercial? The terrifying decor? The aging Hollywood stars sporting terrible 70s fashions and hairdos? What about the fact that the DVDs are being sold by Guthy-Renker, makers of Proactive Solution? This stuff is gold, my friends.
Not only did I actually order this stuff (well, techically, my wife got me the first set, God bless her), but I’ve been watching it all week. There’s drinking onstage, smoking, and a combination of true Hollywood legends (John Wayne, Jimmy Stewart, Gene Kelly), politicians (Barry Goldwater, Ronald Reagan, Hubert Humphrey, Barry Freakin’ Goldwater) and old-school comedians (Nipsey Russell, Paul Lynde, Rich Little). It’s like a surreal mash-up of “Mad Men,” “Hollywood Squares” and the Academy Awards. In case my words are not doing it justice, enjoy a taste for yourselves …
I have much more to say about these fine DVDs, but I need to put down my cocktail glass for the night and head to bed (where I’m sure I’ll have nightmares of Roast regular Orson Welles, in his Paul Masson “No wine before its time,” blimp phase). In the meantime, pick up the phone and order your copies today. Trust me, you won’t regret it. And, besides, if you order the first few sets, I think you get a travel pack of Proactive for free.
I’ve Finally Found the J-Love of a Lifetime
Let me get this admission out of the way quickly: I watched a Lifetime movie. Not only did I watch a Lifetime movie, but I happily confessed doing so via Twitter. Hell, I even recommended the film to my friends and coworkers.
In the grand scheme of things, I’m not sure what this means. It could be that I am extremely comfortable with my masculinity or it could mean that I’m badly in need of a better filter. Whatever the case, I’m going to continue to talk about this movie and sing its praises. The future of pop culture could depend on it.
What is this important movie you may ask? It’s “The Client List,” starring the vagazzling, Ghost Whisperer herself, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Cybill Shepherd (a long way from her Maddie Hayes/Moonlighting days) and I think it may just provide the cure to the aggressive infection that is Reality TV.
More on this “reality killer” idea later. First, courtesy of YouTube, I present a sample of what makes this film so fantastic (please take note of the terrible accents, the atrocious dialogue, the cheap sets and the intrusive, melodramatic music at the end of the clip):
So, now that you have a vague idea of what this film is all about (unintentional hilarity), it’s time to explain why it’s so important. Simply put, Reality TV is over and it needs a replacement. Sure, there was a time when we were all mesmerized by the drama that resulted from “real” people forced to live together in strange places or compete against each other in ill-conceived contests to win money or love. Unfortunately, things have changed. The “real” people are long gone, replaced by professional reality stars, fading celebrities, mindless muscleheads and obvious lunatics. The drama is gone, as we’ve now seen every possible variation of the roomate hookup or roomate fight and every conceivable type of betrayal, prank, breakup or bad decision.
It’s time for the rise (return?) of the over-the-top, awesomely bad made-for-TV movie. Sci-Fi (I’m sorry, “SyFy”) has been ahead of the curve here, cranking out truly horrendous masterpieces at an amazing clip (“Sharktopus,” anyone?) and now Lifetime – a traditional leader in campy TV films – has taken things to a new level with “The Client List” and it apparently paid off. Seriously, it was a hit. Just check out this article on the ratings for J-Love’s masterpiece.
To sum up my point before this becomes a novel: Terrible movies can and should replace Reality TV. We can laugh at them in the same way we once laughed at Brett Michaels seeking love with a bunch of tramps or thrill at them the way we once thrilled at phony housewives backstabbing other phony housewives. Plus, it can provide an outlet for washed up or terrible actors to practice their craft and earn a paycheck without having to humilate themselves (as much). Really, wouldn’t you rather see Ray-J or the Kardashians being attacked by poorly CGI’d dinosaurs than pretending to look for a spouse or run a retail store in Miami?
Please let me know if you support this idea. We can start an e-mail campaign or something. I mean it.
Anyway, before I wrap up, here’s a sampling of some particularly outstanding dialogue from “The Client List.” These quotes could be great fun at parties or useful for entertaining friends and family during the holidays, so enjoy:
- “We’re gonna call you Brandy ’cause you look like you go down real smooth.”
- “The little blue pills keep us in the black!”
- “You know what gum with nicotine tastes like? Gum with nicotine.”
- “I’ll tell you what’s crazy…Me, sittin’ here bored and horny while Sam’s got three rooms goin’.”
- “I got to say, Sam’s been busy as popcorn…”
- “I can’t go home and “Idol” auditions aren’t for another six months (DRAMATIC PAUSE) Will you pray with me?”
- “Ever since this happened, people think they can tell me anything. Checkout girl at the Sav-A-Lot told me she doesn’t like to do it doggie-style.”
And, finally, a quote from Cybill Shepherd’s character that probably sums up what you’re asking yourself right now about “The Client List”:
- “Is it just disgustin’? I’m picture’n disgustin’.”
Yes, yes it is. And that’s precisely why we need more movies just like it.
Intervention for Little People Survivors in Tiaras
On Saturday, my wife was out of town for a baby shower and I had a “bachelor” day. This consisted largely of me laying on the sofa and consuming things like pieces of Tyson pre-cooked, “grilled” chicken strips wrapped in Sargento Colby Jack cheese – my own, low-rent variation on the infamous KFC Double Down.
The day was not all sloth and gluttony, however. In fact, I was able to squeeze in a productive afternoon of watching reality/trash TV. It was while taking care of this important duty (staying up-to-date on popular culture is mandatory for…well…this blog, I guess) that I noticed a trend: Reality-heavy networks like TLC, E, Discovery, etc. are apparently so devoid of new ideas that not only are they copying each other, but they are creating endless variations on the same themes.
For instance, I saw promotion for this show, which apparently premiered recently:
So, first, there were multiple shows about one, lone tough man dropped into hostile environs to fend for himself – Survivorman, Man Vs. Wild, etc. Then, more recently, there was the launch of Dual Survivor, in which two total opposites work to survive in the wild while engaging in lively arguments caused by their opposite-ness. Now we have man and wife (or girlfriend, whatever) surviving the wilderness and engaging in repetitive domestic quarels. Wonderful.
This is just the tip of the iceberg, however. There are now multiple “little people” shows – Little People, Big World; Little Chocolatiers; Pit Boss. There are multiple shows about making baked treats – Cake Boss, Ace of Cakes, Amazing Wedding Cakes. And, of course, there is the amazingly-depressing-but-growing ”mental illness and/or addiction” genre – Intervention, Hoarders, Hoarding: Buried Alive.
Thankfully, there is only one Toddlers and Tiaras.
Anyway, here is my pitch for the next round of reality knock-offs. Feel free to vote for your favorite:
- Little People, Big Hoarders – Little people who are literally buried alive in their own stuff and forced to find a phone to call for help.
- Toddler Intervention – Baffled toddlers cry while therapists and family members berate them for their chronic thumbsucking, security blanket use, or love of sugary beverages.
- Pervs Vs. Wild – Parents, judges and audience members from Toddlers and Tiaras are dropped into savage jungles, arctic wastelands and unforgiving deserts and left forever.
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- Ilion Little Theatre to perform 'Weekend Comedy' - Little Falls Evening Times February 22, 2012
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